writing

I have so much nostalgia and glimpses of beautiful images in my mind, you'd think the writing would come easy but it comes hard. That is just how it goes. Half the battle is getting the butt in the chair and that is hard enough. The rest is full of agony and self loathing and fear and anxiety. And you choke out words and it doesn't get any easier. Ick. I feel so scowl ridden.

The biggest problem for me is point of view. And then there is the problem of weaving all the fragments together, all the different decisions I have to make for all the made up people in my mind. There are a billion different versions of the lives of people who don't actually exist. Infinite. My job is to pick one version, the most interesting, I guess. But how do you know? How does god know? Is he a puppet master god or an armchair god? A helicopter parent or a deadbeat? Shall I observe or sculpt, how much pressure can you put on the pot while it spins until it collapses? And how much clay gets on your hands, the front of your shirt, in your mouth?

a-DORA-ble

bittersweet yukon quest this year

 Juni at 2months old watching a musher arrive at the finish line. Jon is pissed. Lol.

I'm back to waking when Juni wakes. 6am-730amish. Still not horrible but my writing time is 0.

Today I meant to wake around 4am and check the tracker on Allen Moore, the musher who was set to win the Yukon Quest. I was hoping to hop in the truck and head out to the Takhini Hotsprings (where the finish line is this year). But I didn't end up checking it until 6am and his little doggy icon was showing that he was at the High Country Hotel lol. So I missed watching the champ arrive. 

I was shocked and saddened yesterday when I found out my fav musher Brent Sass, who was neck and neck with Moore the entire race, was injured and taken out of the race. Reports are vague, but he apparently fell and hit his head. Not sure what is going on. He's an awesome dude. Super passionate about what he does. I had the privilege of interviewing him when I was the communication officer for the Yukon Quest a few summers ago. I called him up and got to chat about his summer training set up. He had just received an Artis Cart, which is basically a sweet-ass-sled on wheels, and was waking up in the middle of the night -when it is cool enough for his deedles- and taking his dogs out along the river bank where he lives in Alaska. He is just the chillest, most positive dude I have ever talked to. And he and his lead dog Silver (now retired) are known for heroic feats of sportsmanship on the trail. Silver even has an award named after him and it is given to a dog that shows the same spirit of heroism. I hope he is okay. I really thought it was his year this year. 

There are still 14 or so mushers heading towards the finish line. They are finishing a 1000 MILE journey across alaska and yukon over mountains and overflow and rivers and lakes and insane amounts of lack of sleep, all while caring for 14 amazing athletes: their dogs. I hope to take Juni out to see at least one of the team arriving at the end. 

an incident in the night

The last few days I slept in. My back up clock is broken. And I didn't even hear my phone go off this morning and it was right next to my pillow! I was dead asleep after an incident in the night.

I have night terrors. In short, I "wake up" and see things and I scream Bloody Goddamn Murder. The most traumatic hallucinations have caused me to attempt to escape by trying to jump out a window. The only good thing about having them all my life is that by now I can usually wade through the hallucinatory horror and convince myself that the shit I am seeing isn't real. One of the scariest incidents I've ever had was the night I started reading Truman Capote's real life crime "novel" In Cold Blood. I fell asleep after devouring the first 1/4 of the book and "woke up" with one of the murderers sitting next to my bed. Needless to say I screamed and pleaded and all the stuff one does when they believe their live is about to end. Sometimes, I scream until my throat feels like it is going to bleed. It's crazy, absolute bonkers, and it obviously ruins the night and the next day and throws off my sleep for days and days to come.

Last night I had a terror. Someone tall walked into my room and when I "realized" it wasn't Jon I freaked, throwing back the covers and telling tall creature to get the fuck out. Then I actually woke up and went downstairs to get something to drink and to see if Jon heard me. It was 10:20 and Jon was none the wiser, with earbuds in watching netflix no the futon in the study.

So yeah, I took it easy on myself. I will return to my glorious mornings when I can. Tomorrow.

Yuck:

Guy on the top. Scary as all Hell. Capote wrote like a mofo. I will never again pick up that book.

I'm 

selfie in honour of raymi

 So my favourite blogger in the whole world wished me happy birthday yesterday. She is an absolute machine genious of the selfie and so I washed the bathroom mirror (obsessive close up flossing took place earlier) and gave it a try. There I am last night and this morning. That purple thing on my head is my new hair. I wear it night and day.

I did not want to get up this morning.

But I did.
And then I ate mini eggs.

groundhog day

Operation early riser is going great. I decided yesterday I would let myself sleep in, but that only lasted until Juni woke up and I felt terribly sour all day. So I'm tinkering with the idea of making my early mornings an everyday thing. Also, I have come to the realization that my own sleep doesn't matter, only that of my partner who is a paramedic, which might as well be the most important job in the world. Grrr. I'll give him that. How would you feel if the person you lived with had that to hold over your head? Oh, you want to sleep in? Well, I'm a paramedic, so...

Basically, I want my mornings to be like the movie Groundhog Day, except I will be happy to wake up in the same way every single day. Actually, it would probably give me a chuckle to wake up to the same sonny and cher song like bill murray does in the movie. Plus Feb 2nd is my birthday, so I can pretend it is the first day of my life every day. woot. 

Here is a quote from the movie:

"When Chekhov saw the long winter, he saw a winter bleak and dark and bereft of hope. Yet we know that winter is just another step in the cycle of life. But standing here among the people of Punxsutawney and basking in the warmth of their hearths and hearts, I couldn't imagine a better fate than a long and lustrous winter."

So I will try to have a positive attitude, and if I don't, I will try to enjoy the sensation of whatever else kind of attitude I have. Yesterday I was grumpy, but I found it refreshing and a bit comical and went with that flow. I think that is what groundhog day is about, surrendering to life the way it is and not trying to force things, noticing the beauty in things, or just noticing. The movie has Buddhist sensibilities, I would say. I have to watch it again!

listen

My goal for today is to listen. I get so riled up with human interaction because I am alone so often (by choice and destiny) that I talk and talk and talk. Today I am going to listen.